The Conrad Koh Samui. Dress code: birthday suit.

The land of the eighty pools

I strongly advise you to check-in with a therapist before booking a room at The Conrad Koh Samui. Your feelings need to be clear about this experience. Because if you love each other the clothes will fall heavy on the floor as soon as you step in the room and only the sky will be the limit of what will follow.

If you do not love each other truly then you will have a hard time staying here. It might come to the situation where one of you will push the other one over the infinity pool. Trust me, there is a long way down. Plus it’s a shame to spend all that money. For example, Elena put her clothes on exclusively to have breakfast at the restaurant. And that was not without her explicitly expressing the regret to have to do such a gesture.

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I believe all this happens because of the “first human on Earth” feeling the place offers to its guests. It seems as if God himself climbed you down from the sky and let you hang in admiration above the sea and land. Given this, it is impossible to accept doubt or compromise. You are the First Human! It will take generations of Cains and Abels until the human mind and heart will fill up with this type of situations and will feel the need to cover their bodies in clothes.

I counted 80 pools. There is an enormous public one that is always empty because nobody feels the need to come all the way to it. All the other 79 are private, gated, deeply shadowed by fences and eaves. There is only one open side, and that overlooks the sea. Except for the free birds flying in the sky, none could snoop on your business.
The horizon line curves up and down following the hills and mountains on the mainland.

To the right, the ferries come and go, white and fat, moving the crowds from Samui to Donsak and back. To the left, I recognize the shape of my lovely and beloved Khanom. My home is only 20 kilometers away, and yet the curved line of thoughts places t at the other end of the world. In the middle, tied with an umbilical cord to the heart of the Earth, sit two whale-shaped islands.

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The subtle smile of the black sheep

Stefano Ruzza, the Swiss who manages The Conrad starts our talk by confessing: my father was a doctor, my mom was a doctor, my brother is a doctor too. All my family members are doctors except for me; I am the only one who chose the hospitality industry. I am the black sheep. Then he sips from the perfectly prepared cafe latte and overlooks the beauty sitting at his feet smiling discreetly. He has that smile that only the black sheeps can have or understand.

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The hospitality business stops classifications of hotels and resorts at five stars, it is more practical this way. Otherwise, we would witness an endless battle of auto-classification that would invariably end up with the customers getting confused. Anyway, there are properties recognized as offering standards above 5 stars and they are called Luxury. The Conrad, if you want to understand it correctly, is the Luxury brand of the Hilton chain. In other words, they take one Hilton and overdue it. Location, comfort, amenities, service. And price.

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Of all the stars who ever stayed here, Stefano can only give me one name: Lewis Hamilton, the Formula 1 pilot. When it comes to singers or actors, he is quiet as a mouse. He cannot give me any names as if I publish them there is a good chance to lose them as clients. I understand, and I reassure him Brad Pitt follows my writing since 2007. On the other hand, I cannot help noticing the sports people never hide, the entertainment do, all the time.

It true that if you want to prepare for Invisible Man you book an Ocean View 2 Bedroom Villa, and you’ll perfectly understand H.G. Wells’ character. Not even the staff coming in through the back door to clean and cook won’t see you. But, as I said already, make sure you still love Angelina.

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Practicalities

Ocean Pool Villa (65sqm indoor, 28sqm outdoor, 10m outdoor private pool) rates 480EUR to 760EUR depending on the season and occupancy. All villas have a private pool and panoramic view to the Gulf od Thailand.

The resort offers a Best Price Guarantee plan which means that if you find a cheaper offer than they have on their website, the Conrad sales team will offer you the same rate.

Also good to know about the Conrad Experience offer that gives you one night for free for every other four nights paid. More practical info on The Conrad website.

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